PRICKS , PIKKAS AND PIGGIES !!!

Me here! Of late I have been in a constant fog and a soup of sourness , corn soup non the less , but still ah soup of sourness. If I did not know myself better I would think that I was suffering from the symptoms of ah Tabanca, not that having a Tabanca is a bad thing eh. After plastic surgery ah Tabanca is de bestest remedy for rapid and seeming-less weight loss. Yep ah Tabanca would be great , but that would entail me finding a man, liking him (he will love me immediately, because to know me is to love me ) convincing him to leave me and thennnnnnnn getting ah Tabanca. Now finding him is not going to be that hard eh but de man might like meh so much he would not want to leave me , and then that would not be a case of Tabanca , but a case of stalking, so ah Tabanca is out of the question for this year at-least.

You see how I veered of course, is this damn fog that I telling allyuh about. Anywho , I know exactly why I was so sour and I am not one for excuses eh . But you all know de saying "ah hungry man is a volatile , deadly, doh care and angry man ". Well ding , ding, ding!! I came to the conclusion that I was in and is in ah constant state of hunger. Yep is hungry my arse hungry. Now having discovered that I had to hit my self two - three tap and a jump kick, an tell meh self to get it together Ms Xui get it to - effing-gether. Mind you all the while I chanting this I hearing my mothers voice saying " you go ahead and kill yuh self for one day in de damn hot sun with yuh $600 dollars panty and bra with two beads here and a feather there." So now allyuh see where I does get my chats from. Mothers you have to like them. However, unlike my mother who was all of 109 lbs after 6 kids, I ent have it like that. I never even make a plasticine (play dough for you Yankees ) baby much less for a real one and allyuh done see this girth. So Mother Dearest try yuh best !

The upside or downside of this constant hunger is that I have been daydreaming a whole lot. Well really and truly is hallucinating ah hallucinating eh, but we go just say daydreaming since it sounding much better. So at any given moment I does just spaz out and next thing yuh know I on the road in meh costume. Now in this vision I does have a 12pack, a love trail, a size `19" waist and last but certainly not least a Mr with a best body and an even better waistline attached to my bamsee. From dusk till dawn is only pace and waist all road with a few stops here and there to pose for de paparazzi and de people. Now these visions don't last too too long eh, just long enough for me to realize that it does have some men on the road looking ah shitty, shitty mess. Yes every body know that carnival is color and woman but de men also play an integral role in in this equation. So tell me if it is fair for me to be killing my self to look some what decent in my costume and then just so, just so you want to come wine up my firm bamsee with your soft belly and hard piggy. That is a negative buddy , ah double effing negative .


Now do get meh wrong eh , it does have some men on the road looking like all that and a bag of cassava chips (350 kcals ), but de majority of men does feel like they looking like all of that and they are indeed looking exactly like that , as in " look at DAT nah ." Yeah we not suppose to watch waist but face , or is it face and not waist on the road , but I cyah help it when you waist erupting over yuh belt like Mt Soufriere. The last time I checked we were in Trinidad and not Martinique. De other thing is that you can go right dey on Charlotte street and buy a cheap jersey to cover up dem D cup size breast yuh have hanging dey. Then yuh have the nerve to come and want to come wine up on me with no bra on and we have the same size breast. That cyar work, plus if you playing in Tribe they are notorious for giving big breasted people some bras that looking like a breast plate from ancient Rome. Yep I know that first hand, because it had a year that my bra started by my collarbone and ended by my navel. So doh feel shame to check dem for a bra when yuh go to pick up yuh costume.

De fifteenth thing is , and I ent trying to come off rude and/ or uncouth here eh , but have a little control over yuh piggy nah man. All ah we is Trini and wining on ah bamsee is we birthright , plus yuh doing it since yuh was small. Come on now I really don't want to feel like I wining on a gas tank or a bench around de Savannah when I wining with you dude. Now I ent saying that it have to be swishing from side to side and I feeling like I going down a slip and slide when we winning eh, but train yuh piggy nah dread. It have real fetes where you could give it a little training before it actually hit de road come Monday and definitely Tuesday. Cause let it be known if yuh ent train yuh piggy doh come and wine on me, because I love my uterus and I will need it for future generations of masqueraders.

So like those one hit wonders sing this year " An Is Dat ". Please read and understand, cause when yuh see me on the road with my 13 pack and 19 inch waist if yuh did not deal with the aforementioned issues yuh well have to try yuh best and wine to de side. I gone with that one !!!

Me ! I ent Fat , I just have Presence !!!

Me here ! Well it was suggested that I broaden my horizons and write about things other than Carnival. I must admit that I was a tad bit confused. Why was I confused you ask, because really and truly that was a very simple suggestion. However, I was still ah little perplexed and allyuh know I ent no dunce even though my high school was at the bottom of a hill. It is just that I never knew things existed outside of the realm of the Greatest Show on Earth. Listen nah ever since I can remember I have lived for this thing called Carnival. Like allyuh forget that I was born on ah J'ouvert morning, 1978 to be exact and every body was wining to Soca Jam by Calypso Rose. Yep I was born on that faithful morning at home, in the front room ( I guess that is why I so frontish. ) Anyways I came early and if I can remember (I know that I can't really remember, but I just saying ) that the thumping of the bass and the distant calling of the steel pan made me realize that even though it was nice and comfee where I was, I was missing out on some real pace. That was the signal that it was time for me to go out and get on bad, bad, bad . So from my very first breath I was in de mix, de Carnival mix ,de bacchanal mix. So allyuh doh worry about me and my fixation . Yuh hear !!!

Well I was watching this awesome local show on Gayelle, called The Box (check it out nah it rhel entertaining ) and the topic at hand was Bikini mas versus Traditional mas. Eh heh, well allyuh done know my POV on that topic. If I have to tie up meh tuttuts with some grocery bag string and wrap it around meh belly and then drape it on meh back like ah halter, is Bikini mas all day , all de way. Anywho, so during the show they came up some good points about why a few of us should cease and desist when it comes to wearing ah two piece. And I must say that it had a year when I should have worn a crocus bag as opposed to ah two piece . Yeah I putting it out there cause I name woman s0 I am admitting that I was a little obzokki that year. However, it may have been bad, but it was not that bad eh so ketch allyuh falling self . Plus I think that it should be up to the individual to make a well thought out and cohesive plan of action when it comes to donning ah two piece, as opposed to ah one piece or a non piece.

So I suggest taking a good minute or 60 to ask yuh self, better yet ask yuh mirror ; Mirror, mirror on the wall should I be wearing ah two piece if any costume at all ?? And be honest with your self eh cause you have a witness. But then again some of allyuh hadda be cokee eye, because I cannot see how allyuh could look in ah mirror and see what me and the rest of the band seeing and still decide on ah two piece. Well I guess since yuh eye cokee that mean that yuh seeing bend as oppose to straight, allyuh good yes. And like meh Tantee used to say just because it come in sizes start over and extended doh mean it is for you mampee, sorry dey is mampee I type, I meant madame. Hmmmmm like I cross eye too.

Some of you may say that I am being a sizest and I am, and so what is ah free country right ? De same way yuh could sear the image of you and all yuh ropey belly in my eyes, is de same way I can put on my shades and address de issue at hand. So here are a few pointers that should help you make the best choice when it comes to Bikini and Traditional mas. And remember correct is always right.

** If somebody have to ask yuh what section and band yuh playing in because yuh belly build a habitat over yuh privates, check Mc Farlane for a costume .

** If yuh find people keep asking yuh if yuh does sell fowl, because yuh cage bra looking like ah fowl coop made out of chicken wire, check Mc Farlane for a costume .

** If yuh find that when people come around yuh they acting like if it having an eclipse, cause yuh blocking out de sun with your girth , check Mc Farlane for a costume .

** Last but not least, if when yuh go to pick up yuh costume they give yuh four boxes : one for yuh panty , one for yuh bra, one for yuh belt and one just because. Yuh know what to do, Check Mc Farlane for a costume.

Anyways I gone with that one. Since I have to go and break down this shed I have been building on my private (s) land for these past few years .

Laters ...

Running Memories !!

Carnival Memories !!!

It was her first time back in 12 years, excitement galore! Lemme get ah snow cone dey, 2 doubles with plenty pepper, go slight on de coconut water hard on the Johnny. Aye " dat is kurma yuh know how long I ent eat that". Time to cross de stage is pace, she wondering if the camera man will pick her up and splash her wanton misbehavior across TV screens far and wide ? We turn around for one minute and she vanished. Maybe she crossed ahead, she must have or maybe she in the lunch park; nope. We getting frantic , what we going to tell her mother ? We bring yuh daughter to Trinidad and lost her while playing mas. 2hrs was spent in a Porta Potty, the constant knocking on the door brought her back to her senses. She knew that she needed to get home so she walked to St Ann"s roundabout, even thought the house was right by the Savannah turned around and walked back home. Her first Carnival Memory!!!!!

I am procrastinator. So it was nothing for me to go to that zoo of a consulate in January for an extension. However, they said eh heh is so , Carnival may be an emergency for you but it is not an emergency for we . What !!! If I had tears I would have cried. I was back in two days with a notarized letter, a plane ticket and a sad story. Stamp!!! Thank God my grandmother had passed many years prior and I was not calling things on her head. I never did get to use that plane ticket and like they say my money literally jumped up in Steel Band that year. My Carnival Stories.

‎2001 was my first time. Poison was de band , de costume was blue and there was no Monday wear. I played mas by MYSELF. Yep it was just me and those random bamses I was wining on. I had decided on a dime, quit my job, and was gone for 45days. I was fearless and thin. A decade later I am still fearless, with Monday Wear now and I am working on de thin. My Carnival Stories !!!

We were migrating in a few weeks and Carnival was early that year. So we decided to hit as many fetes as we could. Mind you this was the mid nineties so there was no such thing as an all inclusive or ultra inclusive. Ah fete was ah fete. We got ready by the brother of a friend and made it to the venue. We were suppose to be hanging with Larry and his posse, boy were they dotish. So we decided to duck them, that was the longest toilet break in history. Macheal and Xtatic came on stage and when I heard the first blast of that truck horn , I was in my glory. I promised my self then and there that I would be back for every single Carnival. Little did I know what Uncle Sam's land had in store for me . It would be 5 years before I was able to feel that feeling again !!!!!

WE DOH WATCH FACE......... ONLY WAIST

Me here !!!! Well since ah on de dole these days, I have ah considerable amount of time to think about my all consuming passion Carnival .So de other day I was thinking about which body part is de most important to the modern day reveler ..... ... To some it may be the legs, because that is what yuh need to be able wine down to de ground and touch yuh toes, and mind you I have not been able to accomplish that phenomenon since the year 1990 when we were all singing "No no we ent going home" right dey with Tambu ... Or fuh de fellas it may be De Bamsee, since that is what dey love to wine up against on de road ....and thank God after 30 long years ah finally grow one .... Now De Bamsee does play an integral role in de body part line up, however really and truly I think de mostest (yes ah say mostest ) important body part is De Waist /De Waistline or the lack there of ......... Yes papa cause yuh could have the biggest "Fart Pan or Pum Face" once yuh have a Waist like thunder yuh guaranteed to get nuff wine and play on de road (and that goes for both men and women alike ).

So lately there have been a proliferation of songs pertaining to de glorious Waist /Waistline. From Snake oil Waist to Thunder Waist these songs can't help but make you think about your waist or lack there of (an unfortunately I fall into the latter category)...... So yuh know yuh girl is ah intellect and ah always thinking about de next best solution for this thing I call ah body .........Well ah come up with a really good one , drum roll please ........." CORSETING " yuh ent see wrong.... "CORSETING" is de answer to this waist line problem .... So some of you may not know what this entails so I well give you a brief history.......

Way back in the olden days most women desired the perfect waistline. And like many of us today a 19 inch waist was not a god given asset . So what was a woman to do ? That is where the Corseting came in ..... Corsets were used to constrict the waist to de desirable dimensions .... And I ent talking about no Friedricks of Hollywood corset I talking about de real deal . Now this may seem extreme but guess what, nothing to to extreme when it come to being ah Hot Body Gal (in my best Jamaican accent )........

So I make up my mind to try this thing OUT ....Well as I mentioned earlier in the post , I on de dole so I ent have no big set ah money to by no fru fru corset. And I say all yuh need is something to constrict yuh waist ....So see me in G street fabric looking for cloth ...Well I decided on some Army Green Gabardine. Cause yuh know that is some heavy fabric and I fashion my self an army of one ... (They have some nice cloth dey boy, I was looking at some Indian Cotton but then I say one good tie and this big waist will rip whey that cloth )....So I went with De Gabardine ......

Well let me tell you that thing ent easy nah .... After De First Tie!! I start feeling like a market crab on Sunday.... De second Tie!! I start to wheeze ...De Third Tie!! Well that did not happen nah cause I sure I was going to ketch fits on de people ground ......So I just settle for two big ties. Well we will see if this thing work cause like I like tuh say " Pain is Pleasure and Pleasure is Pain" .... So people if yuh see me in ah party not getting on wassy as usual is" De Gabardine "....... If yuh start ah conversation with me and I can't answer cause I short of breath and wheezing is "De Gabardine" ........If yuh see me ketching fits on de dance floor .... Well dat might be a new dance or "De Gabardine" ....... But I ent care cause come February when I have a 20 inch waist yuh well tell meh better ..... Cause like Bunji say "WE DOH WATCH FACE ONLY WAIST "

DE COMMON FOWL MENTALITY ....

Aye Aye Look who decided to grace you with dey presence ..... Well I know I have some boffs in order, cause I really eff up with de posts and dem, and you know I could give you some good excuses (cause I love to make dem), but I can only come up with one or two shitty ones so I would not even fool my arse. On a lighter note ... ... It is time to take flight people ....De big band done come and launch , yep you ent see wrong is launch dey launch already .......So yuh know what that mean Pressure ,Stress ,Panic and Anxiety all rolled up in one. Eh !!!!!!! yuh asking why? Cause Carnival is almost here and just like last year I ent ready.... Talking about last year I was ah mess ,ah big shitty mess. The operative word here being big. After all these plans for ah hot body: Calorie Counting, Cardio Hoops ,Purge, Tabanca nothing ent work (well de Tabanca work after I came back ,cause I had a serious Carnival Tabanca and suga withdrawal....but that was after de fact ). And it really seemed like Patrice sang that song just for me, cause " I was feeling slack, ah feeling Real Slack" ...... Meh legs was slack, meh arms was slack and leh we ent even go dey with de belly ......But some how I pulled it off and still looked simi decent in meh pics ...... So with all that said I need to have a cohesive plan for 09....... Cause I have some bigger fish to fry this time around .

So de theme for this year big band is 'Birds of ah Feather ". Yes papa oui lovely, skimpy, seductive, sensuous , sexi birds. Is de Caged Canary , de African Love Bird, de Kisskidee, de Honey Creepper, de Parrot . But lemme tell yuh de one bird I ent see in de line up is " Big Bird"....Nope Big Bird ent there in de line up and I ent intend to fill in fuh him as a" Big bird individual" at all at all . So I taking in front before in front take me (and by that I mean de belly ) So is nuff brain storming cause I coming up with some good plans for this so called body this year. Cause really and truly I ent want to look common, as in a Common Fowl. They will have plenty of those Common Fowls on the road this year. Nope let me be a Dominica Chicken with all attitude and pomp .... Nah I have to soar cause come February I ent going to be a flight less bird . Yuh know nah like dem Dodo's and dem Ostrich (well i ent mind de ostrich cause they have legs for days ) but yuh catch meh drift ...... So as I said before I taking in front before it take meh.And with dat said I 'm off to de gym with ah Red Bull in hand .......Cause I hear dat Red Bull does give yuh wings and come 2K9 I looking to Flyyyyyyyyy......

C is for Cookie ."Nah " C is for Calories....

Preeta and Shania, Narissa and Lemonisa

Round de table eating.....(pam pa dam)

Bet yuh life is calories dey counting........

And if yuh ketch dem starvin

You can get all de food dey eatin

Doh make a row.......

De pounds pile on and de calories take over town

(Refrain sung to de tune Jean and Dinah)

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Well , well , well !!!!!!!!!!! Look who's back ..... Sorry I took so long to post a new entry. I know that this blog is a form of comic relief to most of you guys. (hahaha) Well at least I hope so. Any ways things have been very hectic. School is ah pain , the people job is ah pain ,individuals are a pain. I sure yuh get de drift. So yuh would think with all this stress I would lose a good five pounds. Nada , nien , non , zippo. Yep I probably gain a pound or two or twelve. Anyways I was thinking that I need to revamp my diet and exercise plan , yep that is the only way I could win the battle of the bulge ...... So since school just start back and I back in school mood I'm going counting . Yes counting is de plan .

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Way back in '05 when I was trying to lose weight(for Tribe ) I came up with the bright idea of counting calories ... Now math is not my forte and counting calories gets a bit tedious and annoying . But when you start counting it does wonders . Yep counting cals made me think twice about what I put in my mouth yes . Not that I accustom putting any old thing in my mouth (cause I ent that kinda girl ) . Any way back to the point . So when I started counting calories and writing down every thing that I was eating , one piece of guiltiness hit meh , whap in meh arse . Why ? Now yuh wondering why I feeling guilty about eating , because when all those numbers add up , papa I felt like changing meh name to Pretty Pig, Lovely Hog or Beautiful Swine . Yep I was really pigging out .

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That really put things into perspective . Every little bite is a calorie . De only thing that is calorie free is water , salt , tea (sans sugar , and yuh know how I feel about that ) and coffee . So I started to get really paranoid about the things I was putting in meh mouth . See me reading labels with a magnifying glass and with my calculator adding up cals (math ent my thing hence de calculator ). If an item did not have a label, I was not eating it . I even got a book about the calories in a thousand different food items. If yuh did ask me how much calories in a raisin or a grape seed I could have told you .

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Counting calories became a part of my life . Like brushing my teeth or playing in Tribe , it was a given . My friends started calling my CCC, not Civilian Conservation Corps (remember dem ?) but Clementina de Conscientious Calorie Counter. And I became the worse dinner companion yuh could ask for. So dey stop inviting meh out to eat. But ask meh if I did care ???? Nope , I was losing weight and that year I was on like boil corn (275 cal)... So I think that calorie counting is going to be the lick for this year. Well I better go and purchase meh Texas instrument and I off to count some cals ..... 1, 2 , 3 ,400, PAPA 5000 CALS .......

Wine Down ,wine and touch yuh toes , Wine down, wine and touch yuh toes ,Get on bad and make things exposeee.....

Me here .. I was thinking about this whole diet and exercise thing and it was kinda stressing meh out . Now in some cases stress might be bad , but in this case I think it will do some good . Not as good as a tabanca stress ,but stress is stress all the same and that could lend to a few lost pounds ....Anyway back to the topic at hand , I ent loss ah damn pound not even ah 1/3 of ah pound .Well I must say I ent giving it my all and I could try harder , much harder I might add . So with that thought in mind I decided to not study it and do a little partying

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Well that got me to thinking about de old time days . Yeah de old time days when I was living in sweet TnT . Yep those were the days , now back then I was young so I did do as much partying as I do now , but I did do my fair share of wining . Yep every time a song came on the stereo, is wine and more wine . And it wasn't no small wine yuh know, is wine down to de ground and come back up about 12 times .So with that in mind I decide to shake up my exercise regime and try something new . Well papa ah time was had by one and all

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Ever so often I used to see these folks in my gym with hula hoops . So farse me say ,how hard that could be , after all I am a Trini and if is one thing we could do is wine . No matter what colour , creed or race once yuh name Trini , I believe that wining is yuh birthright . So with that mentality I gone in de people class .Cardio Hoops was de name ,an wining is de game . Now I know I could wine but wining with ah 25lbs hoop around yuh waist is a totally different thing . This was de one time I was happy to have a little extra fat around de midddle section ,to cushion de blow nah .

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So we start ..... first to begin with we ent wining to soca ( I know we in de USA , but still man ) is only "dum dum dum dededum dede da da da dum" . Yuh know nah house music , but I say to my self I name trini and I could wine to anything so I start . So I wining , thing going good I well pelting waist . I looking like a star ,nuff people watching meh and I only singing to my self "this is how ah does wine babee ,this is how ah does ,wine , wine, wine " Man this shit easy to bad .... Well who tell meh to say dat ....Meh arse was grass after them words .

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Well boy it was wine down to de ground and come back up time . I know I say I used too wine down and come back up with ease , but that was 15 to 16 years ago when I was a yute . To wine down to de ground now I need support . De support of ah man , ah wall , ah fridge , ah tree anything to help make my transition back up easy . Thinking about it going down was not hard nah , cause I was pumped , I was de star of de class ,every body watching me an thing . So I wine down quick quick ,quick ..... Time to get back up now is pressure , I start to chant "I know I can , I know I can, I know " ...... I saying to meh self "I name Trini I could come back up, man". I had to, to avoid de embrassment , so I look at my self in meh BMobile shirt and start . Left to right ,left to right, left to right , and I easy up slow ,slow .Talk about out ah time , no timing at all sah , but hey I reach up cool cool . De only thing thou de hoop remain right de on de effing floor , talk about shame .

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Thank god de class was soon over .. I pelt meh arse out that room so fast eh . But my name is Trini and if is one thing I could do is wine . So on my way home I pass in Borders and a pick up ah hoops DVD . I going home to practice and with my soca blasting I go get it right . So look for meh in de class next week, is hoops on meh arms , neck, foot .... And believe me , I would be winning down with ease and most importantly I will come up back up ..... no pressure at all at all with the hoop to boot . So I gone with dat one , I going to oil meh waist and buss down some wine .... Doh worry , by de time carnival reach I will turn out to be ah tru wining cri-mi-ni-mi-nallllllllllllllll......................